Thursday, June 02, 2005

WARNING: Whining post to follow

I think I wanna whine today.

I have been feeling the pressure lately. Probably because I fell off the diet/exercise wagon and gained eight pounds in three weeks. Which turned out to not be eight pounds at all, but rather five. Thank you, Lord, you do love me.

But, really. All the things we women are required to do in a day. I SO DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS!

Check both Calendars: My children's orthodontist told me he was kicking us out of the program if I missed another appointment. I believe him. It is a well known fact that all orthodontist's are assholes. Don't try to tell me different, I have met many of them.

Then I have to check my work log: Anything due today? If so, get on it. If not, what is due tomorrow and how much fiction can you work into the morning?

Keep track of two different to do lists: The family/home to do list which includes errands, home repair and maintenance, garden stuff, skate stuff and birthday stuff for my husband's cousin's cousin and anyone else who needs to be feted. This time of year is graduations. Do I need to take some young person out to lunch where I resolutely keep my mouth shut on how fun it is to be a modern woman?

Exercise: It is the cure all for obesity, hormone regulation, osteoporosis and some cancers. We women must get our exercise!

Diet: I am responsible for my own nutrition intake and that of my family. God help us all.

Teeth maintainance: Did you floss today? Did you know that the health of your teeth a risk indicator of dropping dead of heart disease? I have to keep track of cleaning appointments, dental appointments, ortho appointments and retainers. AND HAVE YOU FLOSSED TODAY???

Personal hygene: Do I need to get my eyebrows waxed? Who needs a hair cut? No you can't get highlights, if anyone is going to get highlights in this family it is ME, Dammit! Please, for the love of all is holy, put on some pit stick!

Education: No, Teen People cannot be swapped for a single Little House book, no they are not the same thing at all. Yes, building a fort in the woods is educational, but no, you can't do that instead of environmental science. Yes, you have to do that math even if you are never going to use it again for the rest of your life, no one knows why! Maybe it's punishment for having better highlights than your mother and reading Teen People.

Career: Yes, when I said my deadline was today, I actually meant today. No, you cannot read the article before I send it in cause you will want me to change this and that and the other. No, I cannot add a 1000 piece sidebar to an 800 word article. Yes, I will make those changes. Yes, I will make somehow make the tragedy of incontinence, light, bright and fecking breezy! No, I don't mind not getting paid again this week because as everyone knows, writers don't have bills!

Relationships. No. You are not getting sex ever again no matter how much you sit up and beg. Sex is what started all this remember? Oh, what a wicked web you weave when you first practiced to conceive.
(I know the tenses are all mixed up, but it works anyway.)

Now I have to quit whining and wake up my daughter who has to be at the rink in an hour cause then I have to take my son up to the zoo where he volunteers. Then the gym. Then a quick rewrite before picking my daughter up at the rink. Then picking up my son and getting everyone started on school before I go pick up a graduating friend to talk to her about the joys of modern womanhood. Then maybe work on a bit of fiction before I have to run to a mom's night out that I'm running.

Anyone wonder why I drink?


Kristen Painter said...

Please tell me it's okay to laugh at this. I mean, I know you're not exactly having a good day but the tangled web line is killing me.

Hugs! And a big hope your day gets better.

(PS. I believe some good news is coming your way soon...)

Shannon McKelden said...

God, Teri. I'M tired now. :-)


Anonymous said...

I have to agree with Kristen and Shannon. That's an exhaustive schedule, but that tangled web line was too good :)

Jana J. Hanson said...

I'll add to the laughing at the tangled web line.

And I'll also add a "bless your heart" and agree that good news is acomin'