Thursday, December 15, 2005

Be-otch, You Fat!

And how did this happen?

Last year I took off about forty five pounds and was in striking distance of goal weight. But last spring something snapped in me and I started on a seven month eating binge that leaves me 60 pounds overweight and totally demoralized. Honestly, it was about the time I got the regional magazine position, started writing fiction in earnest and got a promotion to contributing editor with a national magazine. At the time I contributed it to stress. But wait. There's a pattern. I started sending out queries and with every request for a partial I ate more. The requests for fulls had me stuffing those candybar cookies (Who the hell thought up those things?) into my mouth at unbelievable rate.

It isn't stress. I am afraid of success. Someone said on her blog the other day that fear of success was really just fear of failure, because the higher you get the harder you fall.

I am far too driven to ever stop trying to succeed, so I eat to mask the fear. How insecure is that, eh?

So I guess I will join the rest of the US and hit the gym in January. I know how to do it, I've done it before. I just don't know how I will find the time, but I think I am gonna have to get a handle on this. After all, I am going to soon have to have the stamina and energy for all those book tours, yes? Not to mention publicity photos. Though I think that my book will be one of those without the author picture!



Rachel Vincent said...

What gym? I'll meet you there. We must have the same problem.

Nienke Hinton said...

I think this may be an epidemic. I lost 40 lbs and am now back up 10 AND struggling with my writing. Yup, the fear of not being good enough. Someone once told me that often times women put on extra weight to be invisible. Works with my not good enough theory. Good luck to you, and rachel, and me. (I got a bowflex for Christmas - no more excuses)
And, happy holidays!